"Finally you have lost my love. The open heart has closed. Tonight it became too much too long and not enough. I can not bare this openness any longer. You can have my friendship, my respect, perhaps even someday my body for a momemt but never again will you tempt my heart. It hurts far too much to love you.
You have chosen not to love me now I choose to love you no more."
... The Next Hour. The next minute. I read what I wrote above and know it is a lie. I can not stop how I feel. I unlike you have no damn to hold back my love for someone. I may always feel my heart go soft and open when our eyes meet. Overtime I will just learn to except it like a wave from the ocean letting it wash over me and out again. Expecting nothing more. If I fight it I only get knocked over and tumbled against the rocks. My heart feels sick that when I even try to pretend not to feel what I really do feel.
I felt embarrassed on Friday because I wanted to be first priority. Not that I should be or you owe me that. I just want you to want to see me that bad. As bad as I want to see you. I miss you. I wish I could stop trying to make things be something they aren't and enjoy these last few weeks we have to hang out together. It makes me sad I can't be more disconnected and relaxed.
That is what the dramatic proclaimation above was about. As if writing it would somehow help me disconnected. It did not. I am who I am. All my feelings just right there for better or worse.
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